THE CURIOUS CASE OF HUMAN ORIGIN

Right from the times when our brains start developing into the size of a pea, we were all left with one million-dollar question! Where did we come from?

PHASE 1- ULLU BANOING

I remember how I used to go around asking my parents every day wearing my frock with two clips on two sides of my head and a mushroom cut on my head, the origin of my existence. Where did I come from? Where did my best friend who has a better tifin box come from? Where did you come from? And one day, they gave me the perfect answer. I got to know where I have come from. I told all my friends and obviously they were too happy to know. I was told I am a gift sent from the heaven to a hospital where babies made by God are put into rows. Parents visit this hospital and they take away the baby they like with them. Since my parents found my smile extremely charming, I was taken. That’s what I was told.

PHASE 2- DOUBTS CREEP IN

I used to sit in a group around the table and tell stories to every friend of mine that how we all are born. That how we all are gifts and we will receive our own gifts as soon as we marry someone. It was when some classmate was shocked and told me that I am fooling everyone, I was taken aback. I was taken way too aback when he told me that his parents told him that he appeared magically when his mother closed her eyes and slept off with his father. A completely different story, we all wanted to find out the truth and hence switched on our detective mode.

PHASE 3- BOLLYWOOD MOVIES

I was now a little grown up. My mother used to tie my ponies with a brown ribbon and make me wear socks reaching my knees. I was now able to read and write properly. Life was stuck between choosing the right color to fill the background of my drawings to finding out my very own origin. How did I land into my mother’s arms? I was hurt that my parents lied to me and thus stopped asking them this question and made it my mission to crack the codes on my own.

Tom and Jerry and Bob the Builder were replaced with Kuch Kuch Hota Hai and Hum Aapke Hain Kaun. I used to dance on the beats of ‘Koi Ladki hai jab wo hasti hai’ while my mother used to be busy on the phone with my maasi discussing the latest soaps. I was in a state of utter shock when the Heroine was declared pregnant the next day after spending a night with the Hero. I realized that they switched off the lights and laid on a bed and the scene was changed. And boom! I decoded the human origin. Switch of the lights, lie down on a bed and the next day, the lady will feel someone kicking her in her tummy.

PHASE 4- LIP TO LIP WHAT?

Time was changing and so were my detective skills. I now used to play LUDO and SNAKE N LADDER with extreme proficiency. My plaited hair reached my shoulder and my frock was out of my size. I was made to wear new bigger clothes. Bollywood movies were still ahead of NODDY and PINGU on my everyday list. More and more movies were watched and more and more lights were switched off to declare the heroine pregnant in the next scene. It was when they showed a little more between dimming the lights and switching the entire switchboard at once, my eyes couldn’t believe what they saw. I ran to ask my mother who was cooking something in the kitchen about what I just saw. The hero kissed his heroine on her lips. BOOM! A kiss is all it takes to get your tummy filled with a baby.I thought I did a sin by watching that. I promised myself to go back to watching NODDY.

PHASE 5- THE EMRAAN HASHMI PHASE

I now used to carry 5^th standard books on my shoulders to school. I kept in my mind not to run into a boy and end up touching his lips accidently to avoid pregnancy.

Promises were broken. Channels were scrolled again. Movies again dominated my precious TV watching time. I was busy dancing on ‘KOI MIL GAYA, MERA DIL GAYA’ when the teacher made me sit with some cute looking guy in class.
 ‘Bheege hoth tere’ was being telecasted on the same channel that showed universal movies every hour. I got reminded of the lip to lip touches and got scared. Still, like every other child, I wanted to know more and thus sat in front of the television with full courage to finally find out everything. It was when this Emraan boy slid down from the ‘Hoth’ to the neck to further down, I switched off the television for the entire week and promised myself not to discuss the adult song with anybody. I told the cute looking guy what I saw and he laughed.

PHASE 6- GIRLS MEETING IN SCHOOL

‘’ All the girls of class 6 are requested to assemble in the auditorium.’’ – this announcement in the assembly made every boy look at each other and smile wickedly. The auditorium had the screen rolled down. We were excited. They had called us to show us a film without the stupid boys.

 Turned out, we were informed about the 5 day cycle about to make our white skirts red every month if the instructions were not followed. I thought an adventure awaits me. It will be fun.

I was kicked right in my face when reality hit me three months later. Something leaked out. I thought I had cancer and asked my mother to donate my eyes when I go away. She smiled and gave me the pad they had showed us in the film in the school without those stupid boys. I got reminded that these days are an indication that I am not pregnant.

PHASE 7- 5 DAY CYCLE IS LATE!

I was scared. The horror yet necessary cycle didn’t show up on time this time. I looked at my tummy. It seemed a little bloated. I blamed it on the excessive consumption of Dairy Milk.

Two days passed, it still didn’t occur. I was scared. I realized I was pregnant. I recalled all my encounters with every boy in school. There were no acts of switching off lights and doing the adult things involved. I was confused. I remembered that a male friend held my hand a week ago. Does that make one pregnant? I didn’t know. I prayed to God to make the 5 day cycle occur in my body and promised him that I won’t even sit with any guy in class.

One day later, I had it. I took a breath of relief. Thanks to God, I wasn’t pregnant.

PHASE 8- THE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM IN THE BIOLOGY BOOK

It was 8^th grade when the Science book had a chapter on all the systems of the human body. The nervous, respiratory, circulatory and excretory were covered in detail. The Reproductive system stated something about sexual intercourse of the human bodies. I didn’t understand the meaning of the word intercourse and the one little paragraph on this system disappointed me. It didn’t give away anything.

PHASE 9 –THE REALITY

A four page detailed study of the male and female reproductive system along with the entire process in 9^th grade cleared all my details.  I now knew everything. I read it thrice and appeared for the exam and the book was closed. But the doubts no longer existed. I was well aware.

PHASE 10 - NOW

I am 18 years old and well aware about this process. And every time I see a child ask this to his or her mother, I can't help but smile. :)

ARE YOU A SHAADI MATERIAL?

Homo sapiens prefer to live in denial. By default, we love to ignore the fact that one day one person will have to bear with us for the rest of their lives and we'll have to bear with them for the rest of ours. We all love the idea of being in love, of being loved and more. It's only when your mother reminds you that love is nothing if you are a bad cook, that you go into the denial mode.

Mother- So what do you plan to serve your in-laws on the first day after you marry someone?

Me- Maggi! Which I'll make in that kettle you gave me when I went to the hostel.

Mother-And who will transport that kettle to the new house?

Me- You come with me. And make better things. Feed damaadji and me also.

Mother- No one is going to marry you!

Get my point? 

If you are a girl and this has never happened to you, it will. Just a matter of time.

So before it happens to you or has already happened, let us all go have that reality check. Let us all be prepared to hear that wedding bells are our first priority.

1. Do you have more than four hands?

Can you prepare breakfast for the entire family,stop your hair from falling on your face, comb your daughter's hair and kiss your husband at the same time while watching television? If you can't, then lady, no one, absolutely no one is going to marry you.

2. Can you cook anything possible to human imagination?

Remember that time when you told your mother how you loved that nameless dish your best friend got in her tiffin box? And told her you want that in yours next day? Do you have skills to make that dish by listening to your kid's stupid description? No? No one will marry you!

3. Can you watch back to back saas bahu soaps with interest?

So you are busy watching the grand finale of How I met your mother on your laptop while your mother finished the last tissue when someone died for the third time in 'Yeh Rishta kya kehlata hai'?You don't even know that something with that name exists? You don't care? Why will anyone marry you? 

4. Can you wear a sari on your own?

So is it just me or anyone still out there who has no idea how to drape a sari? Who always called mummy/aunties/sisters to do that for you? Who runs away at the very thought of a sari and heels put together? Who thinks comfort is important, so chuck saris!

But wait, we all loved Priyanka Chopra in Desi Girl. We all can surely learn this department with grace! ;)

5. Can you wake up at 5:30 without using some button known by the name 'Snooze'?

And then wake up the entire family after you have a bath and smell like you just came back from a spa session with wet hair dancing on your husband's face? And then manage to kiss him and run away behind the curtains while he comes all the way searching for you? The very thought of it is tiring? No one is going to marry you! Mark my words.

6.  Can you bargain?

Money and love. Two factors for an everlasting marriage. Sounds bad? It is. Dhobi. Bai. Driver. Tuition teacher. You can't survive today if you can't manage all of them and still provide your kids with a smile at the end of the day by buying them something more. And if you go to the market, and can't manage to stand in the scorching heat and argue with the vegetable seller to give you the tomatoes for a rupee less, then you don't have it in you. Go out and learn, girl!

7. Can you share your bed?

Remember that time in the holidays when you used to wake up at 1 in the afternoon on your big comfortable cozy bed and go off to sleep again? Those days can't last forever for us.

Space. What else does one need at the end of a tiring day? Is that too much to ask for? And if you have to share that also with someone who is busy snoring, pain is all we feel. 

8. Can you answer your child's sex related questions?

Years ago,

Me-Where did I come from?

Mother-The angel gifted us with you while we were sleeping. 

Me- But why does my nose match with yours?

Mother-The angel changed your nose after she saw how I looked.

Me-I also want a kid right now. Call the angel.

We have all been through this. When we didn't know the origin of our existence. And used to burst our parents with endless and senseless questions. If you can't make up crap on the spot when your kid will ask you such questions out of the blue in public, I am sorry. Just sorry!

Perks of being a boy are now hitting me. But all this and much, it's always the girls who win at the end of the day.Because women manage. They some how just manage.

And we really develop invisible hands after marriage. 

TALK? Why should I?

Let's talk about your pearl white teeth that you got after you emptied your father's pockets. Or maybe, let's just talk about the new hairdo you saw your friend get after she went for a trip to the United States. But boy, let's just talk. Because talking is all we need. At the moment. For the moment.

I have seen my and many more friendships die because the two people stopped communicating. Because they thought that the other person doesn't want to. Because maybe they thought their friendship wasn't worth talking anymore. But tell me, when have these assumptions helped anyone? Has it solved anything between two people? Has it ever? Has it given you some kind of inner peace to not talk and sit and just assume and satisfy yourself for a short period of time. Ultimately, you begin to doubt your assumptions. When the other person doesn't behave or react as per your pre-defined norms. So what do you do? Come up with some more, newer assumptions. Or just go and talk and clear it out, once and for all? Which one is the healthier option?

We all know the answer.

But still we keep fooling ourselves. Giving ourselves false hopes that things will be better one day. Maybe not now. Maybe not today. But tomorrow. They will. You will reunite with the one you think you miss. And maybe, is missing you well. We wait for a miracle to happen while we are busy assuming and overthinking useless things. Things that don't even make sense to us. But since they support our assumptions, we close our eyes and decide to see and believe in those things instead.

Time passes. We weigh our assumptions and the things and thoughts that supported them before. Doubts creep in. Nothing changed. Nothing happened. No miracles. Nothing. You are still the same person to your once upon a time friend.  What do you do now? Talk, maybe?

But why would you? It wasn't you who did something wrong. Then why should you be the one to break the ice.

Maybe the other person wasn't wrong either. You are not sure. How would you be? You never talked.

What if the other person thinks of you as someone who will always sort out things if days will be dark again. What if you find out that the other person was wrong. What if you won't be respected like the way you were after you initiate 'the talk'.

EGO. All this is nothing but a bubble of your ego. Which doesn't let you be happy. At peace. Which stopped you from the very beginning to move a step ahead and talk. Just talk. 

The talk doesn't assure you of positive results. It never did. Neither did your short lived assumptions. But you will at least get a clear picture. A clear answer to all your questions. Whether your friendship was worth talking or not. Whether what you two had was worth giving another chance.

Either of the two will happen.

You will either get back with that person. For good and be happy and satisfied about it.

Or a full-stop will shine now on your friendship. A full-stop without assumptions.

Whatever happens, you won't be confused. You won't keep yourself half-satisfied with some stupid assumptions. And my dear, you won't regret the talk.

It will all be worth your feelings.

So, just go out and TALK. FACE TO FACE.

Thank me later!

Needed to get it out of my system.

Maa, main ghar aa gai!

Village men and their country women. It's that time of the year again. When your eyes pop out with love at the sight of your city before landing when you are in the sky, hundred feet above the ground, hoping that your flight won't crash. When you walk out of the airport hoping that someone would surprise you with a musical welcome and garlands only to find the same old driver at the exit door willing to take your bags to the car. When you pray that you reach your house from the airport in the blink of an eye. Or by running like Shah Rukh Khan in K3G to find your mother( Jaya Bachchan there) at the doorstep with tears in her eyes and 'aarti ki thali' in her hands.

Yes peeps. I woke up on my own lovely familiar bed today morning when the maid switched off the fan and turned on the lights of my room and told my mother how tanned and ugly I've become. Home after a hot sun kissed semester in college seems to be heaven. It really is till the end of your holidays.

Only that when you start getting comfortable in your old couch having unlimited Dairy Milk chocolates and Belgium chocolate ice-creams with extra toppings dripping out of it with your legs as the food table, watching the repeat telecast of Roadies, your mother reminds you that you need to marry someone one day and for that  'Multani mitti' would be the magic, not another dose of five day old cake leftovers. When your sister shouts in your ears putting her vocal chord at risk to turn off the laptop light at night and not be a pain in her ass this summer. Yet again. When your father tells you to not go out much in the holidays so that the family driver won't run away. When the entire family asks you for your phone password with child like eyes and innocent smiles.And your sister locks you in the room at night and refuses to open it till you let her see your Whatsapp chats.

That you stand up on the floor again after changing positions in your bed all day and declare that this won't be entertained with extreme confidence and sky high expectations of having Manchurian and fried rice at the dinner plate. 

Only to find that no one was in the house at that moment. 

You go off to sleep again.

But, all this and much, home is really the heaven you wish to come to when the mess food in college takes a toll on your taste buds. When you miss your mother even more on her Birthday. When your father refuses to grant you permission to go out of the campus when you ask him once in a while.

I, like all the children out there, am majorly attached with my parents. I don't express it everyday except on their Birthdays and my sentimental days when the tissues can't wipe off the tears. They have been there and will be there throughout. Folks come and leave. They stay. Even when you commit thousand mistakes. Or fight with them when college tests your patience. Or don't call them for two days at a stretch. They were there. Waiting for your call only to tell them that you had food and are fine and smiling.

They were the ones who were working their ass off to give you those extra comforts. They were the ones who taught you to differentiate the right from wrong. They were the ones who hug you even tighter when you realize your mistakes. And they are the ones who see you in your ugliest state and still manage to love you unconditionally.

I missed my mother telling me her college stories and experiences. How Papa met her for the first time. ;) 

I missed teasing her about Papa. I missed her complaints about our neighbours and relatives. I missed how she keeps asking me if I like someone. I missed having her food. And I missed sleeping in her lap.

I missed going on endless walks with my father. Discussing everything under the sun. I missed that feeling when I find it awkward to hug him at first and then ultimately when I do, I feel the safest I can ever feel.

I missed home. I really did. :')

P.S. Manchurian and fried rice waiting for me! <3

YOU ARE YOUR OWN MEDICINE.

There comes a point in your life when you want to live inside your own shell. You feel like a baby. You want to cry but tears just won't come out. You loathe conversations. A familiar face makes you run in the opposite direction. You feel out of the place. You feel cheated. You want to be in your own world for the entire day.
People taunt you. They don't know what really happened. You want to say things to them, maybe puke at them but you walk away. Because it's not worth it. They won't understand. No one will really understand. They are curious. Or maybe they are concerned but you don't want to speak. You can't talk.

You need a hug. A tight hug from someone who loves you unconditionally. You want to rest in your mother's lap silently. You want to lock yourself in a room and never open it again. You take hour long showers.You feel like going to some snowy place with all the calmness and peace. You want to be loved by someone who you have feelings for. But he loves someone else. He just saw you once. Or twice maybe. And you fell in love. With his eyes. With his smile. With the joy on his face. With him, eventually.

You start distracting yourself. You watch films all the time. You stop bothering yourself with what others say or feel or think about you. They are still strangers. Always were. You make a new plan again. You start working on it. And you stop giving a fuck about anything else.

And then suddenly, one day you come out of your 'I WANT TO GO TO THE HIMALAYAS NOW' mood. You become happy. You start loving again. You start smiling again. You start pampering yourself again. You forget what happened. Your new game plan gives you hope.

This has happened with most of us. This feeling of sadness. Of crying all the time. Not necessarily with tears. To have minimal interactions. To go out with strangers. To stop trusting new people.

And this just makes you STRONGER. Yes, it does. You become a new person. You start to blossom again. You know you can heal yourself every time. You love yourself even more. You become a happy person again.

Each one of us have the capability of bringing ourselves out of this shell. Of being this joyful person again. Who loves helping elder people. Who enjoys playing with children. Who wants to fall in love again. Who wants to make everyone around smile. Who wants to make their parents proud.

Who dreams of travelling the world with self earned bucks. Bungee jumping, sky-diving, ice-skiing. Having everything. From that Guess watch you saw at display last night to the Gucci shoes your feet can't wait to get in. From that pretty dress you imagined yourself in to the best hairdo ever. From the best friends to the best lover. From your parent's smile to your own happiness. And self-satisfaction.

You are your own medicine.
Go. Heal yourself. :)

P.S.  Why am I writing this? I want to. I feel this sudden unlimited joy at 3 A.M. for some reason.