Buena vida

Hola amigos,

It has been a while since I posted something here. But 2020 is full of surprises. So here I am :P

PFB the key highlights of my life since the last post. 

1. I grew my tummy and then put it in and then grew it back and in and you get the point (Just don't want to tell the current status here 😥 Refer points 4 and 5 for justification 😂 )

2. I have been working since 3 years in a data analytics firm which I loved and then hated once I broke my backbone there. Well, that story is not for today. Coding is something which even a technophobe like yours truly picked up. Not the single digit C kinds. They still scare me. I am talking about the Python. Not the snake 😄 Though initially, it did feel like one.

3. I met 2 really special people and hold them very close to me. I can make single special posts for both of them. (If you are reading this, then get some bribe ready for such an event to take place)

4. My back is traumatized for life. Thanks to stupid office pranks. I had my backbone broken and some slip disc and some nerve issues here and there. Oh, also my ears rang for a while. I got my doorbell changed after that 😀

5. I got crazy about cat. No, I meant CAT. The uppercase one. So crazy that I even told my friend that if I do make it to the college of my dreams, you can kill me. 😆

It was a joke. Don't message me back to tell me I am a nutcase. I already know that. 

Met some amazing mentors and friends during this journey and feel lucky to even know them. Shyam, Gejo, Tanuj, Arshad, Rajat, you all have my utmost respect and love. 

6. My parents have been getting older and it scares the shit out of me.

7. Thanks to a friend from point number 3, I learned cooking. Yes, me. Who dreaded even boiling water, can now do so with much zeal. Of course, some dishes too, dummy.

8. I picked up reading and realized that I want to go back to grade 1 to make up for the years I missed reading. No probs, zindagi abhi lambi hai!

9. FRIENDS, BBT, This is us, few ridiculously amazing movies. Sometimes, series and movies make me feel so crazy that I feel like ripping my head apart and going bang bang bang, yayyyy. How do I exist on this planet even?!

Get it? 

And that, ladies and gentlemen, brings me to the sexiest part of this post. The one and only, and the one and only, drumrollsssssssssssss,

MONEY HEIST

This show is really special to me. One that I would never forget. One that might pop out in my chest MRI. 

I  am a thriller fanatic. I love them. I would not close it till I finish it. 2020 got this show so popular (sorry if I am late), I decided to watch the whole thing at one go after my dearest pet, CAT happens. Well, that was the plan. 1 week to the exam, I went crazy. I used to cry for hours, making my mother wonder, what kind of a sapien did she give birth to. Gurus and mentors suggested some refreshment and closing of books and laptops. I did listen, well partially. I gave a VARC sectional a day before CAT, to make sure my body can read about anything during my exam slot. (I had been ensuring the same since a week, but I wanted to be extra cautious to not end up sleeping after reading a Philosphy text during my usual nap time) Sounds so lame to write it here, but it matters to me. Each of the days since last year in my journey in the pursuit of this exam matter to me. 

That was the week I picked up Money Heist. What thrill man! And what hotness. And such amazing actors. I have this urge to learn Spanish because of these people. How can I be on Earth and not learn a language so sexy. This show soothed me, kept me engaged and away from my usual exam thoughts. I used to eat with this show and even cry when someone in the show died (spoiler alert). 

I finished 2 seasons on the day I went and wrote CAT. I came back, cried like hell that I ruined the exam of my life, and then got back to watching the show. According to the answer key, the exam turned out to pretty decent. It could have been better, had I been not so dramatic as a person and chilled with something 'Old' maybe frequently this year. Always a next time 😌

The song of this show, Bella Ciao is on my lips since I started watching this show and now that it is over, I sing it to keep the show close to me. 

This post was supposed to be an update of the last 4 years of my life, but focused majorly on 2020. Well, that's how recency algorithms work 😋

Chalo, that's all. Going back to work and till then, 

Manténte feliz 💞

12th September 2016 – BEST DATE OF MY LIFE

That day I woke up without an alarm. I looked outside my window and prayed to God to let luck be in my favor. My phone rang and my father said it will be fine. I reached the venue and looked at 26 known faces full of zeal to perform. I thought not to expect anything this time but to give my very best.

Two men aged about 28-30 reached and everybody around me tried to smile as wide as possible. They were wearing blue MU SIGMA t-shirts. I wondered if I will wear that some day. They showed us the PPT and explained the process.

They have a written test which is crucial which already happened a week back and we were shortlisted.

First round in the process was Video Synthesis where the CEO talked about their core values and how MU SIGMA always grows every day. We had to write a synthesis, not a summary of the video. I had already seen numerous such videos of their CEO, literally gulped in every word of  their website, so this was a cakewalk for me. It wasn’t an elimination round.

Second round in the process was Group Discussion. I was rejected in Deloitte’s GD before, so I looked up at God and asked him not to repeat History. I knew what went wrong last time and pinched myself to not let it happen again. It went amazing for me and I came out of the room and waited for the results. Half an hour later, somebody from the placement department came out with the results. I leaned on a table so as to digest if History decides to show its colors. He started announcing the shortlist and it almost reached the end and my name was nowhere. My heart began to sank and suddenly I heard my name. Moments like these make life worth living. I know it might sound irrelevant to few people reading this but for me, that was it.

12 people were shortlisted for the Interview round. This was my final battle. I was called in 6^th. Same people were there inside the room. Let’s call them P1 and P2. I wished them afternoon and sat on the chair.

P1: Tell me about yourself.

ME: I began with my 100 times rehearsed answer.

I was talking about my project when P2 cut me

P2: Details please.

ME: Details given.

P1: I want more details.

ME: More details given.

P1: More

ME: More given

P2: Okay.

Then they displayed 9 10 chocolates in front of me. Every chocolate was golden in color except two that were pink. They asked me to choose one. I picked up the pink chocolate.

P2: Does taste matter more or the color?

ME: Of course taste is more important but when something different than the rest is offered in front of me, why not pick it? (LOL, I couldn’t believe I said that.)

P1 smiled

P2: What is the weight of this chocolate?

ME: If I have another thing which had the same dimensions as this chocolate, and I know its weight then I will know.

P1: Give one more solution.

ME: If I have a bucket full of water and I throw the chocolate inside it, then the displaced water can give me my answer.

They gave me some density related problem after that.

P2: Relate your project and IOT.

ME: Related.

P2: If you are a sales manager in Levis, what will you do to reduce the operational costs?

ME: Gave around 7 8 ways.

P1: (Showed me his wrist watch) What more can we do with this dial in the future?

ME: I think the phone that you are holding should be embedded within the dial so you never have to hold it again. You will have it in your hand all the time quite literally.

P1 smiled

P2: That’s already out there in the world. Leave it.

P2: Why MU SIGMA?

ME: I talked about my love for Maths and how it will be more of a passion for me if I get the opportunity.

P2: Will you work with us for 5 years?

ME : Definitely. And I began to praise MU SIGMA.

P1: What negative things have you heard about us?

ME: Told them it’s about perception. Talked about Working hours and told them that how I will love it if I do maths all day.

P2: How will you motivate people in MU SIGMA for the same?

I began to speak.

P2: Think about it for an year. I want you to give a presentation in front of the CEO next year when you reach office.

I smiled widely.

P2: If we take you.

I stopped smiling.

P1: Tell us something different about yourself.

ME: I talked about my love for dramatics for 5 minutes.

P2: Good. You may go.

I waited outside. Everyone completed their interviews and I prayed. Recruiters came in the room where we all were sitting. They told us they have finalized 8 out of 12. I could hear my heartbeat.

They began announcing the names and gave everyone selected an offer letter. 6 names were over and I was nowhere. I thought it’s over. Again I am rejected. He called my name and I started crying with joy.

I wasn’t able to believe it. I called my father and told him that I MADE IT. I heard his voice and it was the happiness I was waiting for. All my hardwork paid off when I heard his voice.

That night I slept in peace. Without any headache. With the MU SIGMA chocolate they gave me. And with a smile pasted on my face. It’s still there. :)

 

THE CURIOUS CASE OF HUMAN ORIGIN

Right from the times when our brains start developing into the size of a pea, we were all left with one million-dollar question! Where did we come from?

PHASE 1- ULLU BANOING

I remember how I used to go around asking my parents every day wearing my frock with two clips on two sides of my head and a mushroom cut on my head, the origin of my existence. Where did I come from? Where did my best friend who has a better tifin box come from? Where did you come from? And one day, they gave me the perfect answer. I got to know where I have come from. I told all my friends and obviously they were too happy to know. I was told I am a gift sent from the heaven to a hospital where babies made by God are put into rows. Parents visit this hospital and they take away the baby they like with them. Since my parents found my smile extremely charming, I was taken. That’s what I was told.

PHASE 2- DOUBTS CREEP IN

I used to sit in a group around the table and tell stories to every friend of mine that how we all are born. That how we all are gifts and we will receive our own gifts as soon as we marry someone. It was when some classmate was shocked and told me that I am fooling everyone, I was taken aback. I was taken way too aback when he told me that his parents told him that he appeared magically when his mother closed her eyes and slept off with his father. A completely different story, we all wanted to find out the truth and hence switched on our detective mode.

PHASE 3- BOLLYWOOD MOVIES

I was now a little grown up. My mother used to tie my ponies with a brown ribbon and make me wear socks reaching my knees. I was now able to read and write properly. Life was stuck between choosing the right color to fill the background of my drawings to finding out my very own origin. How did I land into my mother’s arms? I was hurt that my parents lied to me and thus stopped asking them this question and made it my mission to crack the codes on my own.

Tom and Jerry and Bob the Builder were replaced with Kuch Kuch Hota Hai and Hum Aapke Hain Kaun. I used to dance on the beats of ‘Koi Ladki hai jab wo hasti hai’ while my mother used to be busy on the phone with my maasi discussing the latest soaps. I was in a state of utter shock when the Heroine was declared pregnant the next day after spending a night with the Hero. I realized that they switched off the lights and laid on a bed and the scene was changed. And boom! I decoded the human origin. Switch of the lights, lie down on a bed and the next day, the lady will feel someone kicking her in her tummy.

PHASE 4- LIP TO LIP WHAT?

Time was changing and so were my detective skills. I now used to play LUDO and SNAKE N LADDER with extreme proficiency. My plaited hair reached my shoulder and my frock was out of my size. I was made to wear new bigger clothes. Bollywood movies were still ahead of NODDY and PINGU on my everyday list. More and more movies were watched and more and more lights were switched off to declare the heroine pregnant in the next scene. It was when they showed a little more between dimming the lights and switching the entire switchboard at once, my eyes couldn’t believe what they saw. I ran to ask my mother who was cooking something in the kitchen about what I just saw. The hero kissed his heroine on her lips. BOOM! A kiss is all it takes to get your tummy filled with a baby.I thought I did a sin by watching that. I promised myself to go back to watching NODDY.

PHASE 5- THE EMRAAN HASHMI PHASE

I now used to carry 5^th standard books on my shoulders to school. I kept in my mind not to run into a boy and end up touching his lips accidently to avoid pregnancy.

Promises were broken. Channels were scrolled again. Movies again dominated my precious TV watching time. I was busy dancing on ‘KOI MIL GAYA, MERA DIL GAYA’ when the teacher made me sit with some cute looking guy in class.
 ‘Bheege hoth tere’ was being telecasted on the same channel that showed universal movies every hour. I got reminded of the lip to lip touches and got scared. Still, like every other child, I wanted to know more and thus sat in front of the television with full courage to finally find out everything. It was when this Emraan boy slid down from the ‘Hoth’ to the neck to further down, I switched off the television for the entire week and promised myself not to discuss the adult song with anybody. I told the cute looking guy what I saw and he laughed.

PHASE 6- GIRLS MEETING IN SCHOOL

‘’ All the girls of class 6 are requested to assemble in the auditorium.’’ – this announcement in the assembly made every boy look at each other and smile wickedly. The auditorium had the screen rolled down. We were excited. They had called us to show us a film without the stupid boys.

 Turned out, we were informed about the 5 day cycle about to make our white skirts red every month if the instructions were not followed. I thought an adventure awaits me. It will be fun.

I was kicked right in my face when reality hit me three months later. Something leaked out. I thought I had cancer and asked my mother to donate my eyes when I go away. She smiled and gave me the pad they had showed us in the film in the school without those stupid boys. I got reminded that these days are an indication that I am not pregnant.

PHASE 7- 5 DAY CYCLE IS LATE!

I was scared. The horror yet necessary cycle didn’t show up on time this time. I looked at my tummy. It seemed a little bloated. I blamed it on the excessive consumption of Dairy Milk.

Two days passed, it still didn’t occur. I was scared. I realized I was pregnant. I recalled all my encounters with every boy in school. There were no acts of switching off lights and doing the adult things involved. I was confused. I remembered that a male friend held my hand a week ago. Does that make one pregnant? I didn’t know. I prayed to God to make the 5 day cycle occur in my body and promised him that I won’t even sit with any guy in class.

One day later, I had it. I took a breath of relief. Thanks to God, I wasn’t pregnant.

PHASE 8- THE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM IN THE BIOLOGY BOOK

It was 8^th grade when the Science book had a chapter on all the systems of the human body. The nervous, respiratory, circulatory and excretory were covered in detail. The Reproductive system stated something about sexual intercourse of the human bodies. I didn’t understand the meaning of the word intercourse and the one little paragraph on this system disappointed me. It didn’t give away anything.

PHASE 9 –THE REALITY

A four page detailed study of the male and female reproductive system along with the entire process in 9^th grade cleared all my details.  I now knew everything. I read it thrice and appeared for the exam and the book was closed. But the doubts no longer existed. I was well aware.

PHASE 10 - NOW

I am 18 years old and well aware about this process. And every time I see a child ask this to his or her mother, I can't help but smile. :)

ARE YOU A SHAADI MATERIAL?

Homo sapiens prefer to live in denial. By default, we love to ignore the fact that one day one person will have to bear with us for the rest of their lives and we'll have to bear with them for the rest of ours. We all love the idea of being in love, of being loved and more. It's only when your mother reminds you that love is nothing if you are a bad cook, that you go into the denial mode.

Mother- So what do you plan to serve your in-laws on the first day after you marry someone?

Me- Maggi! Which I'll make in that kettle you gave me when I went to the hostel.

Mother-And who will transport that kettle to the new house?

Me- You come with me. And make better things. Feed damaadji and me also.

Mother- No one is going to marry you!

Get my point? 

If you are a girl and this has never happened to you, it will. Just a matter of time.

So before it happens to you or has already happened, let us all go have that reality check. Let us all be prepared to hear that wedding bells are our first priority.

1. Do you have more than four hands?

Can you prepare breakfast for the entire family,stop your hair from falling on your face, comb your daughter's hair and kiss your husband at the same time while watching television? If you can't, then lady, no one, absolutely no one is going to marry you.

2. Can you cook anything possible to human imagination?

Remember that time when you told your mother how you loved that nameless dish your best friend got in her tiffin box? And told her you want that in yours next day? Do you have skills to make that dish by listening to your kid's stupid description? No? No one will marry you!

3. Can you watch back to back saas bahu soaps with interest?

So you are busy watching the grand finale of How I met your mother on your laptop while your mother finished the last tissue when someone died for the third time in 'Yeh Rishta kya kehlata hai'?You don't even know that something with that name exists? You don't care? Why will anyone marry you? 

4. Can you wear a sari on your own?

So is it just me or anyone still out there who has no idea how to drape a sari? Who always called mummy/aunties/sisters to do that for you? Who runs away at the very thought of a sari and heels put together? Who thinks comfort is important, so chuck saris!

But wait, we all loved Priyanka Chopra in Desi Girl. We all can surely learn this department with grace! ;)

5. Can you wake up at 5:30 without using some button known by the name 'Snooze'?

And then wake up the entire family after you have a bath and smell like you just came back from a spa session with wet hair dancing on your husband's face? And then manage to kiss him and run away behind the curtains while he comes all the way searching for you? The very thought of it is tiring? No one is going to marry you! Mark my words.

6.  Can you bargain?

Money and love. Two factors for an everlasting marriage. Sounds bad? It is. Dhobi. Bai. Driver. Tuition teacher. You can't survive today if you can't manage all of them and still provide your kids with a smile at the end of the day by buying them something more. And if you go to the market, and can't manage to stand in the scorching heat and argue with the vegetable seller to give you the tomatoes for a rupee less, then you don't have it in you. Go out and learn, girl!

7. Can you share your bed?

Remember that time in the holidays when you used to wake up at 1 in the afternoon on your big comfortable cozy bed and go off to sleep again? Those days can't last forever for us.

Space. What else does one need at the end of a tiring day? Is that too much to ask for? And if you have to share that also with someone who is busy snoring, pain is all we feel. 

8. Can you answer your child's sex related questions?

Years ago,

Me-Where did I come from?

Mother-The angel gifted us with you while we were sleeping. 

Me- But why does my nose match with yours?

Mother-The angel changed your nose after she saw how I looked.

Me-I also want a kid right now. Call the angel.

We have all been through this. When we didn't know the origin of our existence. And used to burst our parents with endless and senseless questions. If you can't make up crap on the spot when your kid will ask you such questions out of the blue in public, I am sorry. Just sorry!

Perks of being a boy are now hitting me. But all this and much, it's always the girls who win at the end of the day.Because women manage. They some how just manage.

And we really develop invisible hands after marriage.